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Regret

MemorialAdmin • Jun 30, 2022

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen

The topic of regret has been on my mind recently. I often hear clients talk about the regrets they had after a loved one died – some become quite reflective on things they could have done differently or “better” while their loved one was still alive. Some think about the physical process of death that occurred – and have regrets about the way they handled it or dealt with it.

But I also hear about regrets in the mourning process. There have been two regrets that I hear most often – so I thought I’d share my thoughts on those regrets and perhaps ways to avoid them.
The first is regrets over not seeing their loved one’s body after death.

Of course, there are situations where it is not possible to view your loved one, but this regret is more specifically about declining to see their loved one after death.

There are many reasons someone might decline to see their loved one, but I often hear about people declining because they don’t want to see their loved one “that way.” Which is understandable – seeing your loved one’s body brings up a lot of difficult emotions. There is absolutely no way around that – however, that is often the point of many grieving rituals. In order for us to move forward in our grief, we must experience the painful and difficult parts.

You can do a few things to prepare yourself to seeing the body. If the funeral staff didn’t tell you what to anticipate, ask questions (Who will be there? What state will the body be in? What is the room like? How much time do you have? Can you touch the body? Are there parts that are covered because of damage?)

It is also important that the bereaved communicate their own desires and expectations. Some things to consider: Do they want to be alone? How close do they want to be to the body? Are there religious rituals they want to perform?

Of course, all that being said, many people choose not to view their loved one’s body and feel that is the right decision for them. You know yourself and, whatever decision you make, your grief will move forward.

The second regret I hear is when people don’t have a memorial ritual after a loved one’s death (a memorial ritual being a funeral, religious service, or some other tradition). It is often tempting to bypass having a funeral. Maybe the deceased expressed they didn’t want one, maybe the prospect of planning and attending a funeral seems too overwhelming, maybe you think it’s best to try and focus on the “celebration” of someone’s life instead of mourning for them.

I understand the desire to avoid a funeral. They can be difficult and very sad. It’s natural to want to turn away from them. It’s natural to think that holding a celebration will help circumvent some of the messiness of early grief. Unfortunately, grief doesn’t work that way.

There is a popular saying, “In grief, the only way out of the pain, is through it.” Having a funeral gives you a good start on going through the pain. Not having a funeral (or memorial ritual of some type) helps the grief grow.

And even if you didn’t have a memorial ritual soon after the death, you can have one any time you are able. Finding ways to remember your loved one and mourn together will be key to moving forward in grief, and hopefully avoid any further regrets about the grieving process.

If you have any questions or would like to talk to a grief specialist, please feel free to reach out.

The post Regret appeared first on Memorial Mortuaries.

By Belle Archuleta 13 Mar, 2024
Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen Technology and Grief Grief often changes our whole world – and the digital age has brought about a whole new dimension of grief. Mourning used to be more intimate – something that was done with a small group of family or friends and typically in person. Now our grief experience can play out on the public stage of social media, online communities, and virtual memorials. Below we will highlight a few of the unique challenges and unexpected opportunities that come with navigating grief in our tech-connected world. The Social Media Dilemma In the digital era, it's become customary to share our lives online, but when it comes to grief, the lines blur. Condolences come in the form of likes and comments, leaving us to grapple with the question: Is a virtual hug as comforting as a real one? The struggle to balance the genuine support from our online circles with the sometimes superficial nature of digital interactions is real. We can be surrounded by digital support, but still feel quite alone in our grief day-to-day. Online Communities One beneficial aspect of grieving in the digital age is the emergence of online communities that offer comfort and understanding. Whether it's a forum, a Facebook group, or a subreddit, these virtual spaces have become very popular over the past couple decades. The ability to connect with others who have walked a similar path can be a lifeline in times of isolation. They can be especially helpful when you feel you have a unique grief/situation and are having a hard time finding people around you who have been through a similar situation. The Echo Chamber of Grief While online support can be a balm for the grieving soul, the digital echo chamber can also amplify the pain. Constant reminders of loss, triggered by algorithms and shared memories, can sometimes hinder the healing process. Striking a balance between staying connected and avoiding being overloaded can be difficult. Pressure to Post These days, when we are so connected, grieving in the public eye can sometimes feel like a performance. We might feel pressure to share our grief when we aren’t ready, or to put a positive spin on our grief when we aren’t feeling that way. We also may not want to share anything about our grief at all, which can also leave others feeling like we aren’t “properly” grieving. It can sometimes feel difficult to balance vulnerability and privacy. Embracing the Pros and Cons of Digital Grief In our hyperconnected world, grief weaves itself into many digital aspects of our lives. The challenges are real, but so are the opportunities for connection and understanding. As we navigate loss in the digital age, let's remember that grief is as unique as the internet – messy, unpredictable, and ultimately, a deeply human experience. So here's to finding comfort in the virtual hugs, solace in shared stories, and navigating grief in a world that's more connected than ever. If you feel like you could use extra support with your grief, please reach out to Amanda Nelsen Amanda.Nelsen@MemorialUtah.com.
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